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第一章
我，吴念香，今年二十七，虽没腰缠万贯，却也不算穷。身高一七三公分，体重八十五公斤，除了天生一双大脚不提，光是肚前的三层游泳圈，便构不上女主角的格，有时甚至连当个女配角的妈都还嫌为难作家、导演。
我这个人算是好相处，但身为一家广告公司的中阶财经主管，文字变化衍生的联想力让我变得有神经质，举凡与胖、重、肿、宽、广、象、鲸、丰满、痴肥、杨贵妃等有关的字眼，一律忌讳到底。
我父母亲自我年幼有记忆起便失和，娇贵任性的母亲恨透了父亲，相貌、财富俱备的父亲也理所当然地在外面交女朋友，我大哥吴念系因此心向母亲，我则因为出生时让母亲吃了苦，前三个月不是夜啼就是日嚎，再加上名字里有了父亲老情人的名字，而跟母亲不投缘。
我以前不了解原委，只认命地接受事实。
父亲为了降低他向外发展的罪恶感，假日是牵着我去社交的。父亲忙时，我虽寂寞但并不是没人陪，因为父亲的女友们为了讨父亲欢喜，不时把我当成活佛小祖宗，不是果汁可乐奶昔伺候，就是端着一盘美食与填充玩具在我身前跟后绕着，一般人清明节扫墓祭祖，可没她们那票淘金女郎来得热中。
不过也因此，我从国中起就虚胖到现在，食量没比一般人多，但所食之物十之八九是连猪都能吃到心脏病的高热量垃圾食物。
我因为跟大哥处不来，高中一毕业就出国深造，回国后，父亲帮我在与老友合资的广告公司安插了一个工作，又为我在东区黄金地段买下一户公寓，以防哪天我和哥哥一言不合，大打出手闹出家门血案。
父亲没料到的是，我母亲狡猾地也在同一幢大楼买下了正对门的公寓，以便观察父亲是否金屋藏娇，日后抓包协议离婚容易些。
怎料他是买给我的，搞清楚这并没有让我母亲消气，反而让母亲更确认我是站在父亲那个阵线，因此更加不谅解我。我母亲在澳洲车祸过世后，那房子就落入大我一岁的哥哥手里，他害怕我会进入吴家企业跟他争权，不屑来跟我当邻居，反而将房子承租出去，而且似乎故意租给应召女郎，半夜喝得醉醺醺的恩客敲错门的谬事三天两头在发生。
好险我们这幢大楼的居民都自认是有身份地位的白领中产阶级，不屑与“妓”为伍，搬出大楼管理规定，强制我那个恶人没胆的哥哥不得不终止这样恶意骚扰我的伎俩，因此对门的公寓从两年前开始就空在那里养虫喂蜘蛛。
我当时因为常在半夜起来应付醉汉，再加上六十坪的房子过大，决定贴出吉屋合租的广告，结果招来了两个可杀死我自尊的美丽女巫。
第一个找上门的女巫名叫赵燕丽，是我这辈子不愿与之为伍的国中同学。
美女一个，身材惹火热辣，却能摆出一副纯良处子的神姿。
赵小姐本是某大政治系的高材生，后来出人意料地跑去当空服员，男朋友分布五大洲，一对自然天成的豪乳再配上盈手一握的小蛮腰，活脱脱就是那种情色艺术电影里的女主角。
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