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五六年前头,我在A地的一个专门学校里教书。这风气未开的A城里,闲来可以和他们谈谈天的,实在没有几个人。
在同一个学校里教英文的一位美国宣教师,似乎也在感到这一种苦痛,所以我在A城住不上两个月,他就和我变成了很好的朋友。
秋季始业后将近三个月的一天晴朗的午后,我在一间朝南的住房里煮咖啡吃,忽而他也闯了进来。他和我喝喝咖啡,谈谈闲天,不知不觉竟坐了一个多钟头。门房把新到的我的许多外国杂志送进来了,我就送了几份给他,教他拆开来看,同时我自家也拿起了一份英国印行的关于文学艺术的月刊,将封面拆了,打开来读。
翻了几页,我忽看见了一个批评本年巴黎沙隆画展的文章,中间有一段,是为一个入选的中国留学生的画名《失去的女人》捧场的,此画的作者,不晓是哪几个中国字,但外国名字是C.C.Wang。我看了几行,就指给我的那位美国朋友看,并且对他说:
“我们中国留学生的画,居然也在巴黎的沙隆画展里入选了。”
他看见了那个名字,忽而吊起了眼睛想了一想,仿佛是在追想什么似的。想了两三分钟,他又忽而用手拍了一拍桌子,对我叫着说:“我想起了,这画家是我认识的。”
我听了也觉得奇怪起来,就问他是在美国认识的呢还是在欧州认识的?因为我这位美国朋友,从前也曾到过欧洲的,他很喜欢的笑着说:“也不是在美国,也不是在欧洲,是在这儿遇见的。”
我倒愈加被他弄昏了,所以要他说说明白。他就张着嘴笑着说:
“这是我们医院里的一个患者。三四年前,他生了心脏病,昏倒在雪窠里,后来被人送到了我们的医院里来。他在医院里住了五个多月,因为我是每礼拜到医院里去传道的,所以后来也和他认识了。我看他仿佛老是愁眉不展,忧郁很深的样子,所以得空也特别和他谈些教义和圣经之类,想解解他的愁闷。有一次和他谈到了祈祷和忏梅,我说:我们的愁思,可以全部说出来全交给一个比我们更伟大的牧人的,因为我们都是迷了路的羊,在迷路上有危险,有恐惧,是免不了的。只有赤裸裸地把我们所负担不了的危险恐惧告诉给这一个牧人,使他为我们负担了去,我们才能够安身立命。教会里的祈祷和忏悔,意义就在这里。他听了我这一段话,好象是很感动的样子,后来过了几天,我于第二次去访他的时候,他先和我一道的祷告,祷告完后,他就在枕头底下拿出了一篇很长很长的忏悔录来给我看。这篇忏悔录,稿子还在我那里,我下次可以拿来给你看的,真写得明白详细。他出院之后,听说就到欧洲去了,我想这一定就是他,因为我记得我曾经在一本姓名录上写过这一个C.C.Wang的名字。”
过了几天,他果然把那篇忏悔录的稿子拿了来给我看,我当时读后,也感到了一趣味,所以就问他要了来藏下了。
前面所发表的,是这一篇忏悔录的全文,题名的“迷羊”两字是我为他加上去的。
一九二七年十二月十九日达夫志
据一九二八年一月十日上海北新书局初版
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