103 拥抱死亡
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“你以为我是谁？”我这么回答他。
比利一点也不生气，他走到满身弹孔的沙发边，坐在沙发扶手上，摆弄着手中的两把左轮。他在之前一直都是用这两把枪战斗，让人不得不怀疑，在那种强度的战斗中，如果只有他一个人，会否也像其他人那般死在这里？
我看向进入其它通道的门口，大门都开启着，灯管全被打碎，近处全是尸体，远处沉入黑暗，战斗的硝烟静静飘散，没有任何活物大气息。正是这种充满死亡味道的寂静和黑暗，反而让人心生战栗，仿佛会有一些怪异之物如黑油一般流出来。
“你们既然加入了安全局，那就要有心理准备，未来会有更多的同伴死去，自己也会累得像死狗一样，没有人会同情你，就算死了也没人捡骨，也不会有荣耀的墓志铭，甚至无法落叶归根。”比利抬起头，直视着我们，“你们准备好了吗？真的有所觉悟吗？”
夸克从幽深的通道中飞出来，落在我的肩膀上，它的嘴里衔着一枚徽章般的金属。我取下来，那是一个五角形的金属牌，擦干上面的血迹，露出刻着的一个笑脸图案，平滑的背面是扭曲的别针，以及一行姓名和时间。那似乎是死者的名字和生日。
“看到了吗？死掉的话，我们就只剩下这东西了。”比利也从上衣口袋中掏出相同的徽章，“我们是真正的战士，这就是我们的狗牌！拿着它，将它埋进一处风景美丽的地方，那就是这个倒霉家伙的坟墓。这种连样子都不记得，只知道姓名和生日的家伙，你认为能够在墓碑上写出什么？”
他的语气如此淡漠，没有抱怨，没有生气，明明是如此悲伤的事情，却让人觉得他在炫耀着一种难言的荣誉。他的情感就像是一座被压在海底深处的火山，随时会爆发出来，但是大海表面却仍旧是冰冷的，只是站在大海上，就无法能够感受到那股灼热的沸腾。
我看向富江，她也看着我。我似乎承载着四个人的意志：一个死掉的亡灵，两个真正的战士，以及……
无法消弭那股来自灵魂的灼热的自我。
我想起了在山羊工会的分部听到的悼词：
血肉如草木，荣耀如昙花，草会枯萎，花会凋零，然而死亡并非终结，一如真理永远长存。
可这绝对不会是让被他们杀死的亡灵们安息的墓志铭。他们誓死抗争，燃烧灵魂和生命，便是为了和这些如悼言般燃烧自己的疯子们战斗。他们知道自己会这般看似渺小地死去，但仍旧义无反顾地投入战场，和凌驾于自己之上的力量战斗。
并非无法撤退，也并非没有机会保全自己。
可是，是否会在某个关键的时候，为了坚持某种意志，而去主动拥抱死亡，这才是战士的分界线。
如此真诚，坚定不移，也许渴求什么，难道就是为了祈求死后有个美好的墓志铭吗？
他们的生命，已经如此璀灿得令人无法直视，根本不需要死后那些美好的花环。
如此令人羡慕，如此令人妒忌，生如夏花，也许无人认可，但却是自己选择的荣耀和死亡。
“他无法选择如何诞生，却选择了如何死亡。如此，他支配了自己的生命。”我将所有的情感压缩成这句话，将死者徽章贴身放进衣内口袋。总有那么一天，我会将它埋在风景秀丽，平和幽静的地方，并祈祷着自己死去的那一天，也会被人带到那样的地方，在自己的墓碑上刻上类似的话语。
“听起来不错。”比利露出一丝笑容。
“选择自己死亡的方式吗？”富江也笑起来：“我喜欢。”
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