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693 精神分裂

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“所有涉及‘高川’的一切,一旦和‘江’割裂开,当成两种情况来看待,根本就是可笑的,错误的。没有意义的。‘江’对‘高川’的影响,从感染病毒的那一刻起,就已经存在。而这种影响,远比‘病毒和病人’的关系更加深远,更加紧密。”

“‘江’和‘高川’,是一体的两面,不同部分,却同一整体的存在,是密不可分的,是极度复杂,以至于不可能割舍的。”

“怀疑‘江’,排斥‘江’,就是在分裂自己,从到精神上,迫使自己处于一个极度不稳定,不完整的状态。”

似乎存在,又似乎不存在的少年高川幻象,站在我的身前,如同一个幽灵,如此对我述说着,根植于高川本质深处的秘密——这些话,虽然就是我的思维,但是,它既是我的思维,又是他在对我说话——这样的感觉,让我无法抑制地深信不疑,理所当然地接受。

人的意识,是如此奇妙,又如此复杂。当它变化的时候,由此产生的感受,都是如此理所当然。即便可以想到,去剖析,去理解,但是,它总是作为一个既定的事实,呈现于自己面前。就如同命运一样,你能感受到的命运,当你能切身感受到命运的存在时,断定它存在的因由,知晓它已经存在的线索,就是“之前走过沙滩时,留下的那一排足迹。”

意识也是如此,当你察觉到自己和之前不同时,察觉到自己在变化时,其实你已经完成了这段变化的阶段。而让你知道“变化”本身的,不是对未来的预测,仅仅是在这个过程中,你所留下的脚印。要说“抗拒这个变化”这样的话,其实是可笑荒唐的,因为,变化在你察觉并决定拒绝的那一刻起,那一刻前,就已经完成了。

无法抗拒,无法排斥。

少年高川幻象的出现是如此,“江”一直存在的影响,也是如此。

如果,这就是真实的话。

我曾经所设想的战斗,和自己的战斗,和少年高川幻象的战斗,和“江”的战斗,其实,早在决定战斗前,就已经开始。当自己准备战斗的时候,战斗已经走到了尽头。当察觉自己在战斗的时候,结果已经诞生。

我突然明白了,讽刺的人生,和坠落中的成长,之所以存在的缘由。

正是这种“意识到”和“意识展开”的偏差,让我始终无法在成长中,如愿走在自己所预想的道路上,总是,慢了一步。

而究其本质,是因为,我总是将自己和“江”区分开来,以至于,无法跟上以“江”为核心,由“江”推进的变化。

——“高川”是不变的,但是,“江”却在不断地,剧烈地,高速地变化。

少年高川幻象,以我的思维,如此述说着。

——跟不上的话,就会死,将两者区分开,就会死。我,已经死了。但是,它不愿意我死去,我便不会真正死去。因为,我和它,并不是割裂的两个,而是一心同体的一个。

——我,爱着它,如此地,揉为一体地,爱着它。

——高川,不会死亡,于是,它不会消失。它不会消失,所以,我不会真正死去。

——我是高川,我行走在自己的道路上,我认为我是正确的。那么,你也是正确的吗?高川啊,我在注视着,你的死亡。

我的精神,分裂成了两半,鲜明的沟壑,在思维的对话中呈现。在这条分界上,这边站着我,那边站着的,是依稀的少年高川幻影。

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