1897 最后一扇门
最新网址:m.ltxsdz.com
大脑中正在滋生某种情绪,他无法分辨这是恐惧还是别的什么,但是,“恐惧”大概是最接近的描述吧。在这深沉的感受性的世界里,自己到底看到了什么?感受到了什么?席森神父已经无法从自己的记忆中找出任何可以对之进行描述的词汇了。
一句话陡然浮现在他的脑海里:这是一个巨大舞台的一角,自己也仅仅是在这个舞台角落里兜兜转转的人形,在一个宿命般的,仿佛可以改变,但结局什么都没有改变的剧本里,演绎着自己的角色,然而,角色自身却无法明白,自己在这个巨大舞台上的终极意义。自以为自己拥有的意义,在这个终极意义面前,是如此的苍白、局促又渺小。自以为自己在自我认知中驱动,但也许,这个自我认知也不过是剧本的一部分?
一种足以将自我摧毁,将个性摧毁,将自己看待世界,认知自身的角度摧毁的力量,伴随着这句话在席森神父脑海中的闪现而来,他坚持,却也如同乘坐一条小舟在暴风雨的惊涛骇浪中,随着波涛剧烈起伏,仿佛随时都会船毁人亡。
席森神父没有照镜子,不知道自己脸色苍白,他只是在自己快要被自己脑海中,自己的感受里,自己的思想和精神的彼端呈现出来的汹涌巨浪打翻自我的小舟前,惊厥地大叫一声,便陡然转醒过来。之后,那不知道是“恐惧”还是别的什么的情绪,如同退潮一样从他的体内消退,只有他自己才清楚,它并没有完全消失,它就在自己的体内,它随时都会出现,在这个充斥着神秘的世界里,在精神和思想的尽头,它暂且一动不动地注视着自己。
自己被它攻击了,不,不是这样,它只是轻轻地涌了出来,而自我就已经几乎无法将其容纳了。席森神父不想相信自己的这个判断,因为在这个判断中,那个“它”,那个阴影,那个不知不觉就出现在自己的意识之中,不,毋宁说,一直存在于自己的意识和思维中的“它”,是如此的庞大,可怖,让人无法理解,难以反抗而如此巨大又可怕的东西,当然不应该是自己可以容纳的。
席森神父突然有一种顿悟的感觉,他觉得自己已经知晓那是什么东西了正是末日真理教所说的,所期盼的,那个存在于人类集体潜意识中的怪物。只有在“全人类”这一个巨大规模的整体概念中,才存在足以容纳下这个怪物的空间,而之前,它仅仅是借由名为“席森神父”的个体为渠道,将一只触手伸了出来,即便如此,“席森神父”这个自我意识也差一点就被摧毁了。
席森神父十分清楚,自己并没有主观上想要去接触这个怪物,亦或者说,没有想要从自己的意识深处,从自我意识和人类集体潜意识的那晦涩莫名的联系中,去挖掘它的存在,但是,当自己开始思考,开始沉浸在那种感受性的世界里,开始下意识地探究自我的精神世界时,便不由自主地为它开启了一扇“门”。
它,便会从“门”后而来。
“怪物”
怪物已经很接近了。
席森神父不敢再想下去,但同时他也无法肯定,自己主观地去拒绝想这些事情,拒绝从意识层面去挖掘真相时,是否存在某种自己无法自主的潜意识层面的主动性,在自己不经意的时候,持续地去探究这个隐藏得很深很深的怪物。人类与生俱来的好奇心,也许会因为生活的磨练,在主观意识中失去色彩和光泽,仿佛消失了一样,但是,或许这种好奇心和原动力,从来不曾从“人类”这个主体,和单独人类的个体中消失人们只是在自我观测的时候,被消极心态所麻痹,看不到这种好奇心和原动力了而已,实际上,它一直存在,始终存在,并且,在这个充斥着神秘的末日的世界里,它就像是一把不受控制的钥匙,一直都插在每个人心底最深处的门锁上,轻轻地,悄然地,转动着。
人,会在不经意间,在自己也没能意识到的情况下,将那个隔绝着危险怪物的门打开了。
席森神父觉得,自己有可能会是同样的情况,在自己有意识注意,却实在无法意识到的情况下,亦或者是在自己不愿意,却被某种情况逼迫的情况下,将那隔离了恐怖怪物,保持自我的最后一扇门打开了却不自知。
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