&27 失而复得
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肿了眼睛哑了声音我还在抽泣，不想哭的却是控制不了，最后精疲力尽靠着杨果的背随他去了郊区。所住的城市正在翻天覆地的变化，不过规划改建还没有蔓延到这里，很多地方还是老样子，像是我们小时候常去‘光顾’的那片橘子地。
时至春天树上开满了白色的小花，散发着苦涩的香味。杨果曾嘲笑文学得不好，香味不能用苦涩来修饰。可我觉得它开始闻着就是苦涩的，再闻会闻到丝丝的甜意。苦涩的甜，甜的苦涩，奇怪的花奇怪的味道。
“你真是饿疯了，这也能吃？这是花，还没长成橘子！”
“它们在我肚子里会长成橘子的。”我又站起身摘了几朵放进嘴里。刚才哭得没力气，现在需要些东西补充能量。
我们背对着背靠在橘子树下，我吃橘子花，他在玩地上的石子。
透过密密的树叶望着蓝天，我低声说：“果果，你要向我道歉。”必须道歉！
“对不…”
“我不是说刚才的事，我是说那晚…你醉酒的那晚…”那是件越想越觉得耻辱、恐怖的事，他扯开了我的衣服想对我…“你是因为喝醉酒才会…那不是你的本意对不对，你只是在吓唬我对不对？”我握紧手中的东西又羞于恼地追问。无论如何他一定不能是那种人，这样我才会…
“我…”他的头几乎要扎进土里和橘子树一起生根，黝黑的脸泛出一片红就快渗出血来。他也知道羞耻么，刚才不还恶声恶气质问我是不是来兴师问罪的。“我当…当然是醉了…所以才…我怎么会做那种事…”
“嗯。”我选择相信他。
可是后来回想这事儿他的说辞又不一样。他叫着好险好险幸好他把持住了，我衣衫大敞竟然还敢亲他勾引他，如果不是他够君子的话早…我知道他在胡说，他是不会那么做的…呃…大概吧。
“果果，如果我现在把这个给你，你还会不会要？”我摊开手，手中是吊着大圈儿的银链，握得太久手心里印上了一个圆圆的凹痕。
这是他给的生日礼物，两条窜着指环吊坠的链子。小圈儿是属于我的，大圈儿可以给他也可以给安东和别的人。可是我要给他就得在生日那天给，他不会给我犹豫磨蹭的时间，正如他对我，从来不曾犹豫过。
一缕阳光正好落在我的手心，银色有些刺眼。他看着银链又看着我，眼里平静无波。已经迟了？
“因为龙娅莉？”我问。
“因为娅莉？”他问。
两个人异口同声，却都把对方的‘问’当成了‘答’。
他推开我的手，脸上是淡淡的苦笑，“你不用再想赢她什么，至始至终赢的都是你。”
我听不明白他的话，一心只想知道，“她已经代替我了？”
“她是她，你是你，没有谁能代替谁。”
这应该算是好答案吧，至少我和她平起平坐。够了，我已经够丢人了！
最后摘了一朵白色小花放进嘴里咀嚼，真苦…
“给我！”刚要起身离开就被他抓住手腕拽了回去，用力掰开我的手夺过银链紧紧握住，喃声说了一句，“就当我是贱骨头…”
贱骨…他在说什么…看着他将银链戴上脖子揣进怀里，刹那间心中涌起一股融融的暖意，失而复得的激动和喜悦让我不再去思索这句话的意思。
“果果？！”
他突然欺身上来，轻轻抬起我的下巴小心翼翼地问：“现在我可以这么做了吗？”
什么？！他…他他要…虽然我把银链给了他，可我没想过…这太快了啊！怎么办？同意，拒绝？拒绝，同意？不行！这里会有人经过的！可是如果我拒绝…拒绝…看进他黑亮的眼睛，里面有些什么让我无法摇头。我收起惊慌，轻头。
柔软的温热贴上我的唇，很快分开。我忙转开火辣的脸不敢看他，惊慌、羞喜，我兀自沉浸着，没有读懂杨果眼里的…哀和伤。
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