第四十二章 日记中说明一切 韩玲玲心细如发
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“美子从小娇生惯养，她不可能委屈自己，和我挤一张床。龙腾小说ltxsba.com在万般无奈的情况下，我想到了老同学曹苏兰，我想到她家去住一段时间，单位领导答应等床铺空出来就安排我住宿舍，但要耐心等待一段时间，曹苏兰很爽快地答应了，问题是她家在城东——离医院非常远，要转三次公交车。”
“回到家以后，我把自己的想法跟妈妈说了，妈妈听了一半就表示不答应，非亲非故，一个女孩子住在同学的家里，这很不合适——她也不放心，关键是曹苏兰家太远，而我们家距离医院很近，又不用转车，舍近求远，这没有道理啊！我没有再坚持——都怪我自己生性柔弱，缺少主见，当然，我也怕妈妈看出端倪来。有什么办法呢？也许这就是我的命吧！”
有一篇日记提到了照片。
1994年9月17号，天气阴沉，大风。
从内容上看，这篇日记写在炼洛丹出家之前：
“在走之前，我一定要把那些照片全都带走——不留一张，那些照片承载了我的过去，更多的是承载了我的痛苦，长大——懂事以后，我原以为爸爸是一个苦命人（这个‘爸爸’应该是炼洛丹的亲生父亲），没有想到我的命比他还要苦。我要把自己从他们的生活中全部抹去——我不想留下任何的痕迹，我要把留在他们记忆中的一切都抹去，把自己留在他们的记忆里，那是我的耻辱（这里的‘他们’应该是指养父炼乐雅和母亲兰思梦——炼洛丹对母亲还是有些怨言的，但主要还是指养父炼乐雅）。
唯一让我感到纠结的是：我不能把所有和我有关的照片全部带走，如果那样的话，母亲会非常伤心的，痛苦是注定的了——但我还是要留一念想给母亲——她毕竟养育了我二十几年，退而舍其次吧！只要能将那个毁了我一生的人从我的记忆和世界里面抹去，就心满意足了。”
很显然，“那个毁了我一生的人”就是养父炼乐雅。所谓“给母亲一念想”应该是指留下了那几张全家合影。尽管如此，我们还是能从炼洛丹阳在处理照片的问题上感受到炼洛丹对家庭，对过去生活的决绝态度。当然，也能感受到炼洛丹出家之前痛苦矛盾的心理状态。她之所以留下那几张合影的照片，也是担心母亲从照片上看出她出家的真正原因，如果将自己从所有照片上抹去，母亲即使再愚钝，也能猜出女儿出家的原因。
四篇日记已经能说明炼洛丹出家和离开鸣晨寺的原因。
女人的心更细一些，韩玲玲发现了一个问题，在欧阳平翻阅日记的时候，韩玲玲注意到：炼洛丹进寺之后，一直坚持天天写日记，但三个月以后，就不像以前那样正常了。
欧阳平仔细地翻阅了两遍，韩玲玲果然没有说错，每次间隔的时间在一至三天，所写内容也都是寺院中的平常之事，如，“今天在藏经堂抄了几张经文啦。”“这几天几起床，几熄灯啊！”夜里面经常做恶梦啊！”
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