第1节：丈母娘(1)
最新网址：m.ltxsdz.com
丈母娘
第一部分
（1）
我和老婆是相亲认识的，之前也相过两次，第一个是自封的”魅力女王”，浓妆艳抹，盛装出席，把相亲当选美，亲自指定天价餐厅，迟到40分钟仍旧毫无愧色，吃饭时不停地炫耀她的薪水和家庭背景，还有她那永远应接不暇的约会，仿佛她来见我，是给了我天大的恩赐。龙腾小说ltxsba.com她那严重过头的优越感让我深感自卑：”我的庙门太小，装不下你那尊大佛。”果真从那一面之后再也杳无音信。第二个是刚刚受完刺激的”悲情女主角”，居然比我这个”话痨”还话痨，我在她面前只有洗耳恭听的份。她不厌其烦地将她过去的情史象放连续剧一样，滔滔不绝一一道来，动不动还泪如雨下，泣不成声地和我推心置腹交流心得体会，三个小时的长篇大论听得我头皮发麻，耳根起茧，吓得我只好趁上厕所之机落荒而逃，再没勇气见她第二面。匪夷所思的两次经历让我基本上对相亲不报什么希望了。
第三次，我遇到了当时年轻漂亮还稚气未脱的老婆，她叫悠悠，和她的名字一样，除了有点儿迷糊，有点儿马大哈，偶尔弄丢钱包和手机以外，我还没有发现别的大不了的毛病。散漫有散漫的好处，这种女孩儿不较真儿，好相处，稀里糊涂的好糊弄，天生就是当老婆的好材料，我不相信这样的美眉还用得着相亲。等和她说了五句话我就明白了：这就是个没长几个心眼儿的傻大姐儿。她五句话有三句半都是这样开头的：”我妈妈说……”第四句之所以没有这样开头，是因为我问她喜欢吃西餐还是中餐，她说她喜欢吃面条。我暗自欣喜：真好养活！我又问她有什么业余爱好，她说：喜欢看书。我大喜：不蹦的，不泡吧，如今这样的女孩儿上哪找？爱看书！真是安全又省钱的好习惯，这样的单纯女孩儿太容易搞定了！不过俗话说”阎王爷好见，小鬼难缠”。好事不可能从天而降，往往这种女孩儿的背后，一定隐藏着高人镇守，不然，好花也轮不到我摘。所以，问题的关键不是能不能得到姑娘的芳心，而是能不能博得她妈妈的欢心。我决定抓紧时间直奔主题，在第二次约会的时候我就以送她回家为借口要去认识认识未来的丈母娘。
果然不出所料，我这位丈母娘，可不仅仅是一位平凡朴素的劳动妇女：她当过知青，掰过棒子；也上过大学，背过莎士比亚。在当地一所高中教语文的她为了宝贝女儿的婚姻大事，特地提前退休，在北京买了房，看样子是要长期坐镇亲自挑选女婿了。为了能放心地把她宝贝女儿的未来托付给我，她还委婉详细地询问了我的生辰八字，谢天谢地，我俩没有八字不合。我属虎，她属马，我俩在一起至少也算是”马马虎虎”吧！
此外，丈母娘还对我进行了一番严格的”德智体美劳”立体全面的考察。还好，我有大学五年当班长的光荣历史；中考数学满分的成绩单；曾在少年宫跟随庄则栋学过乒乓球，虽然没进国家队，但是至今还没有在认识的人里找到对手；老婆是学美术的，这个我糊弄不过去，甘拜下风。但我还是个业余键盘手，为了挣点零花钱，也为了曾经酷爱的音乐，我曾经在酒吧里短暂演出。由于我天生善于察颜观色，后天又培养了见风使舵，因此，非常懂得投其所好，讨人欢心。得知老太太有填词唱歌的雅好后，每天晚上一下班，我就直奔她家，关掉手机，切掉一切和外界沟通的渠道。亲自给老太太伴奏，从”花儿为什么这样红”到”三套车”，这样的家庭演唱会雷打不动地上演了三个月，我伴奏，老太太唱歌，或者我谱曲老太太填词，我老婆则在一边咯咯傻乐不时地揭穿我们的漏洞。那几个月，我根本不是和我老婆谈恋爱，就是在和她们全家谈恋爱！我的那帮狐朋狗友们都以为我从地球上消失了。
论善解人意和生活情趣我博得了二老的一致首肯，更难能可贵的是我天生一张甜嘴，和内向不善言辞的老婆形成鲜明对比。我整天”叔叔长阿姨短”地叫得他们晕头转向。但我的弱项是生活能力差，要知道，我也是个什么家务都不会干的学生仔出身，我坚信勤能补拙，于是，向同学的妈妈学会了”老北京炸酱面”的秘方；又向老爸学习了”密制排骨”的做法；还向物业公司的师傅们学会了修理电灯水管的绝招。
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