第3节：丈母娘(3)
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为了节约恋爱成本，也防止夜长梦多，露出破绽。更多小说ltxsba.com我适时向丈母娘提出”转正”申请。她将信将疑地问我：”你真的能照顾好我女儿么？我们只有她一个，从小到大没受过一点委屈。”我连忙单膝半跪在她面前，郑重其事地凝视着她的眼睛也顾不上肉麻不肉麻地说：”妈——我不但能照顾好您的女儿，我还能够照顾好您。您把女儿嫁给我，不仅不会让您失去一件-贴身小棉袄-，而且会让您多了一件-贴心小马甲-！”
终于，那年的十月一日，举国欢庆的热闹气氛中，我如愿成为了丈母娘的正式女婿。
（2）
婚后，我们在那费了半年时间才装修好的新房里总共住了七天。老婆就因为离工作单位太远，又搬回了丈母娘家。当初，选新房时，为了婚后不被我妈和丈母娘经常巡视，我先斩后奏地选了一个离她们两家都远的南二环买房子。为此，差点把俩妈都得罪了：”你小子本事不小嘛！脑袋进水了？买个房子除了离菜市口近点儿，离谁家也不近，谁上班都不方便！”那时候，我听到最多的就是这样的抱怨。
因为没有了老婆，我也不想独守空房，所以只好回家找我妈蹭吃蹭住，没想到我妈拿我当”结了婚的儿子，泼出去的水”。我前脚刚结婚，她就把两居改造成了一居，我只好在客厅铺了张嘎吱作响的行军床，连腿都伸不直，待遇比单身时候都差。只有周末我们才回自己家住一两天，做起了”半糖夫妻”。
这种”只羡鸳鸯不羡仙”的日子，刚过了一个多月，更大的问题又出现了。
那时侯已经十冬腊月天了，可我老婆每天嚷嚷着要吃冰棍，要么就是吃凉黄瓜和生西瓜，我每天变着花样地给她买这几样东西。之前生过一场大病的岳父，尤其惜命，每天大把吃药，象吃糖豆。还总是疑神疑鬼说丈母娘可能是糖尿病，说我有脂肪肝，我们全当他说胡话。这回见我老婆这么反常，他又把注意力集中在老婆身上，怀疑她是不是白血病。吓得丈母娘让我马上带她去检查身体。
检查结果很快出来了，老婆除了有点贫血，健康得不能再健康了，健康得刚结婚就怀孕了！不用说，我欢天喜地地第一时间就告诉了丈母娘。没想到丈母娘听完了以后，表情风云变化：”什——么？！不是说让你们小心点儿嘛？刚结婚就让她怀孕！你说你是不是成心的？连蜜月旅游都没顾上去呢，你就把她给牢牢捆死了，她这么年轻！我还想让她趁年轻好好玩两年，努力工作几年，攒下些资本呢！我养她这么大，可不是让她给你生孩子的！你的小算盘也打得太如意了吧？！……”
丈母娘第一次冲我发这么大的火，并且还发挥她滔滔不绝的讲课功力，上下五千年，纵横五大洲，不厌其烦地从她小时候的出身讲起：讲自己童年时代的饥寒交迫，文化大革命中受到的冤屈不公，下嫁给我岳父所受的委屈劳碌，读书深造的清苦艰难，养育孩子的操劳琐碎，挑选女婿时的慎重小心，找到女婿后的上当受骗，女婿怎样对不起自己，怎样挖好了陷阱，设好了圈套让她们娘俩儿钻……总之，话是越说越难听,恨不能口诛之，笔伐之，发动一场世界大战才心头快慰。我只好一句不吭，因为对付丈母娘，最忌讳御驾亲征硬打硬拼。虽说”一个女婿半个儿”，但这个”儿”只是名义上的，跟自己亲妈怎么吵架都无所谓，亲妈永远不会不认这个儿子。但对丈母娘则完全不同，女婿一旦同丈母娘吵架，就等于是撕破了脸，今后会很难再和睦相处。所以，作为女婿一定要发挥聪明才智进行曲线斗争！
说老实话，我虽然不是成心故意要让老婆怀孕的，但我确实也没有特意避孕，再加上她傻呵呵的一窍不通，没想到这么快就中招了。虽然老婆不在乎，可是我的居心还是没能逃过丈母娘的火眼金睛。所以自知理亏的我只有保持沉默，还好，我天生脸皮厚，能够做到在她那颇具穿透力的骂声中悠然自得不受干扰，走自己的路，让丈母娘说去吧！面对她的喋喋不休，我始终用死猪不怕开水烫的革命传家宝去抵挡。最后，还是”一日夫妻百日恩”的老婆听不下去了，给我解了围：”行了，行了，你们既然这么不待见这个孩子，我就不给大家添堵了，明天我就去医院做掉！”
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