第25节：自杀(1)
最新网址：m.ltxsdz.com
33i自杀
压力实在太重了，一家十口人的生活都压在我的肩上，又要养家又要行乞，长期处在睡眠不足的情况下，再也不是一个小孩可以承担的了。龙腾小说ltxs520.com
十三岁的我刚刚开始懂得思考，懂得去探索人生的意义，但是别人抬头看到的都是蓝天白云，而迎接我的却是想赶也赶不走的暴风雨。我真的不知道我的未来在哪里，前途寸步难行！每每在学校中得到一些安慰，可是回到家看到这一大家子人，想到还要为明天的三餐打拼，我觉得我的家就像是沉重的地狱，一直拖着我往下坠落，坠到无止境的深渊里。
我不是不曾恨过、不曾埋怨过，我在受不了的时候，借着以拳头用力敲打墙壁来削弱我心中就要决堤的澎湃怒海，借着自虐来让自己忘记这不堪的处境，可是几分钟的暂时麻醉，只是让清醒后的自己更为痛苦。有好几度我都有想要自杀的冲动，我从猪舍中拿出一把菜刀往手腕上划，但是生锈的菜刀怎么也划不出血来；我曾想要上吊自杀，找来麻绳绑在梁上，准备要往上吊，傻弟弟阿财跑来拉着我的麻绳玩，我看看他那张单纯傻气的脸，心又软了；甚至我也想过干脆全家一起死，一了百了，谁也不必再担负这样痛苦的责任了。
下了这个决心，我花了好几天的时间，一点一点偷偷藏起行乞得来的零钱，好不容易凑到一个数量，我在放学的途中找到了一家农药店，我想用一瓶农药，让全家一起解脱这个贫穷苦难的日子。
我站在街角，望向农药店，该不该进去？要不要进去？心中千回百转，手心里那一把零钱都让我捏出了汗来，就是无法向前踏出那一步。我拼命咬着唇，不是已经想过几百遍了吗？这世界这么苦，活下去还有什么意义？难道我还要在别人的唾骂、侮辱、追打下过日子吗？我心一横，便向农药店走去。
我心虚得像个小偷般小心翼翼地走进去，一颗心激烈地跳动，店里黑鸦鸦的一片。
”买啥？”老板突然从高高的柜台上冒出头来，吓得我后退一步。
”我……这里……这里有卖农药吗？”我强作镇定。
老板狐疑地打量着我，大概从没有见过小孩子来买农药吧。我怕他怀疑，于是赶快补充说明：”是爸爸要我来买回家毒死害虫的。”老板这才拿出农药来，一面还提醒我：”这个东西人可不能吃！人吃了就会死翘翘！”我点头，把口袋中的零钱掏出来散在柜台上，问他：”够不够？”老板点了点钱为难地说：”这些钱只够买一瓶。”我想一瓶也好，就带着农药回家了。
进了家门，眼前的景象依然，爸爸依旧拉着胡琴，妈妈和弟妹坐在地上玩泥巴，衣物散落了一地，一样脏乱、一样破败，什么都一样。突然，我瞥见角落里散落着碎纸，上前一看，天啊！是我的作业簿，下周一要交的功课全被撕破成碎片——
我以为我会对弟妹生气，但没有。
”就要结束了，就要结束了，就要结束了。”我不断对自己说。
我从书包中拿出那瓶农药，平静地走到米缸前，米缸中的米大概有两天的分量，我想也好，今天都把它煮完，让大家吃个饱。吃饱了……好上路。
眼泪一滴一滴地掉，我想着等饭煮好了，就把农药倒进饭里，这样大家都不会再有痛苦了。饭锅随着蒸气噗噗噗地报讯，好像在提醒着我：时间到了。
我这样想着，眼泪哗然而下，可是我不能哭出声音，哭出来就会被爸爸发现异状，然而心实在太痛了，再顾不得烫，我用双手紧抓住锅沿，不要再叫了，不要再出声了，再这样我就要承受不住了！……再见了，爸爸，再见了，妈妈，还有弟弟妹妹们，对不起对不起对不起……等到饭煮好了，我铁着心要倒农药，才转开瓶盖，突然之间，姐姐的形影出现在眼前，我仿佛看到她含着眼泪被保镖带走的样子，看到她被老鸨用棍子狠狠地打，看到她不断地接客接客，我还看到她哭着对我说：”阿进，没关系，我是自愿的！”……我再也忍不住，大叫出声：”啊！——啊！——”姐姐不惜牺牲自己，只是为了要让家人活下去，她说过：活着就会有希望！但是我在做什么呢？我怎么能这么狠心？我怎么做得下去？比起姐姐的牺牲，我毕竟还有爸妈在身边，还住在自己的家里，可是她呢？她受人凌虐、欺侮、行动失去自由，还要被妈妈桑骂、被保镖打……想到这里，我的双手不住地抖动，我真的忍心毒死爸妈、毒死弟妹吗？——啊！我一拳敲在自己的胸膛上，醒醒吧！阿进！
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