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八月未央(2)

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最新网址:m.ltxsdz.com

这的确不是我的东西。我说。我从不戴首饰,她知道。

她要离开我。

我无能为力,朝颜。

你爱我吗?他说。

这是我不愿意回答的问题,抱歉。

我想娶你为妻。我沉默。他深深叹息,然后他说,我知道你的孤独。电话里响起断线的忙音。消失不见。

晚上乔来找我。她什么也不说,只是躺在床上蜷缩着身体。黑暗中她有轻微的颤抖,我走过去,把手放在她的头发上。我说,乔,离别有这么痛苦吗?如果我们一直是在离别中,比如和爱的人,和伤害,甚至和时光……一切又有什么不同?

乔背对着我,冷冷地说,我讨厌欺骗。

12岁的时候,我曾祈祷上天能让我迅速长大,这样我可以控制母亲,这个眼睛幽蓝,笑容悲凉的女子。我爱她。可是她疯了。她每天都会突然地爆发,把高跟鞋到处乱砸,我的头上脸上常有伤疤。我要读书,我要恋爱,我要有人亲吻和抚摸我,我要升上大学有一份工作有自己的家,我要去远方看看大海……我听到无声的哀求把我的心脏顶得破碎。我独自在黑暗中握着满手心的花瓣,用力把它揉干揉碎,满手汁液……

母亲一星期以后死了。她穿着她的高跟鞋走路,刚走到楼梯口,鞋跟断了。她尖叫着伸出双手,想抓住能够阻止下滑的物体,但什么也没有抓住。摔到楼梯下面的瞬间,她的头碰撞在墙上。她的血喷射在墙上,在此后的5年里,那面被洗得斑驳的墙壁每天散发出浓稠的腥味。我每天夜晚一边流泪一边用湿布擦洗它,直到我终于17岁了。我长大了。

我离开了那个南方小城,来到上海。17岁以后我再没有眼泪。

6

有谁能够相信我的第一个男人是朝颜。

我没有让他看到我身体里面流出的血,我怕它是蓝色的。暗蓝暗蓝的颜色充满孤独的负罪。我已经不是童年的小女孩,我想我在憔悴和苍老中。可是在我最美好的时候,我爱的人不在我的身边。

朝颜。我想起他的气息和身体,他温暖的手覆盖着我的皮肤。从来没有人拥抱我,没有人亲吻我……这是我惟一的男人。

9月终于来临。他打电话给我,他说,公司想派我去日本工作两年。如果你愿意嫁给我,我就留下来。

我说,你错了。我爱的是乔。

如果你想让我走,我会离开。两年以后如果你还没有嫁人,我要娶你。

我挂掉了电话。

台风过去。秋天的天空是清澈的蓝,阳光温暖,空气凉爽。我想去北方。

乔变得憔悴和颓丧,每天晚上流落在都市夜店,快天亮的时候才醉醺醺地回来。我喜欢所有眼睛幽蓝,笑容悲凉的女子,她们像我的母亲。包括母亲手指皮肤上的清香。那曾经在我的手心里被揉出汁液的花瓣。

[记住网址龙腾小说ltxsba.com]

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