第59节：蹉跎岁月(59)
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艰苦清贫的生活，繁重的体力劳动，精神上的苦闷忧郁，心灵深处时时锥刺他的创伤，不可知的未来，使得正交二十二足岁的柯碧舟，情不由己地想到了死。龙腾小说网ltxsba.com
湖边寨上，长着十几棵寨邻乡亲们引以自豪的槐子树、沙塘树、大樟树，每一棵树都有百岁以上的年龄，两个人抱不过来。这些苍劲的古树，到冬天掉尽了叶子，在青天里横生着一根根鳞巴打结的枝干。柯碧舟常常仰脸望着那些枝干，目不转睛地凝视着，脑子里在想，实在活不下去了，我就找一根绳子，牢牢的麻绳，在夜间悄悄爬到树上去，吊在任何一棵的枝干上……
一个二十二岁的知青，竟然想到死。这不是耸人听闻吗?不，设身处地替柯碧舟想一想吧，从早到晚出工，辛辛苦苦干了整整一年，好不容易分到几十块钱，被流氓抢走了。他计划过的，过春节时要买毛巾、牙膏，添置一只搪瓷茶缸，一只泡菜坛子。还有，一年的布票没有用过，该扯些蓝布来，做一身替换的衣服，余下来的留着，备着缝缝补补之用。啥不要钱啊，一年的盐巴，几个瓶子里打满酱油。连集体分给的口粮，谷子要打成米、菜籽要榨成油，都要收加工费。现在他袋无分文，咋个办啊?到保管员那儿预支一点吧，保管员说，湖边寨从来没有开过这样的先例，把钱预支给无牵无挂的单身汉，一个年轻力壮的全劳力。再说，如
今正在备耕，生产队里穷得叮当响，集体的钱也紧得很，要铸新的铧口，要买棕索，要添新的犁杖，要买公社分给各队的化肥，一分钱恨不得掰成两半花呢。柯碧舟只能垂头丧
气地走回来。旁人定睛看看他，就会发现，他确实不成个人形了。不但清瘦阴沉，忧郁寡欢，头发老长，眼光呆滞，那一身衣服，也是破烂不堪，撕破的口子随风飘荡着，衣裤上满
是泥巴点子。这能怪他吗，他没衣裤可换啊，他没钱扯布来补破洞啊。一个自尊心极强的年轻人，在人世间毫无温暖，物质生活又清苦到如此地步，他不想到死，那才叫怪呢。
如果承认我们个人的命运中确实有逆境、有危机，那么可以说，柯碧舟陷入了他一生中最可怕的危机里。好些迹象，表明他有了轻微的神经失常。在坡上放牛，站在一坨岩石上，他可以抱着放牛鞭子，一动不动地伫立在那儿，向着波峰浪谷般的山岭，向着碧波粼粼的鲢鱼湖，一站好几个小时。你以为他在入神地瞅着什么吗?不，他的眼睛里视而不见，他的耳朵里听而不闻。他像个傻子似的在那儿放牛，远离了集体和社员，孤寂冷漠地生活着。
暗流大队的山岭地势，有一个显著的特色，那就是”高处的矮”。贵州山区，一般海拔总在千米以上，暗流大队团转的平坝、谷地，却只有八百多米。五十年代有考察队来过，说鲢鱼湖的湖面是海拔八百一十米。湖边寨的海拔是八百七十米。由于它所处地势是”高处的矮”，因此就形成了第二个特点，那就是气候温暖，无霜期比贵州其他地方长些。因此，暗流大队原来有橘园、梨园、桃园，盛产蜜甜的水果。外来人总觉得，这儿的气候有些像亚热带接近热带边缘的那种味道。在湖边寨东北面的大片大片树林里，这点体现得尤为显著。
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