第68章 赎罪
最新网址：m.ltxsdz.com
莫修齐后面说了什么，我一个字都没听进去，我额上冒出冷汗，却浑身冰冷，紧紧握住桌上的茶盏，手止不住颤抖，心中一阵绞痛。我做了什么？我做了什么？为了摆脱楚殇，为了我想要的自由，我到底做了些什么？为何我以为，仅仅是铲平了楚殇的势力，仅仅是灭了他苦心培植的无极门？是我一直不敢去想，还是不愿去想？楚殇明里经营多年大江南北的生意，会因为他的倒台，牵连多少无辜的人？造成多少人家破人亡？我到底做了些什么？
“姑娘！”小红见我冷汗直冒，吓得探向我的额头，“你怎么了？不舒服吗？”
莫修齐也站了起来，一脸诧异地望着我，不知所措地道：“叶姑娘，在下说错什么话了吗？为何……”
我全身的力气仿佛都被人抽走了，对着小红勉强地笑道：“没事……”
莫修齐见我虚弱无力的样子，不安地道：“姑娘身体不适，在下不便打扰姑娘休息，就此告辞。”
“莫公子请留步。”我赶紧唤住他，他疑惑地看了我一眼，坐回椅子上，“姑娘还有什么事吗？”
“小女子新近开了家绣庄，正差人手，我初学做生意，什么都不懂，不知道莫公子可否愿意帮小女子一个忙，到我的绣庄替我管管账？”我的语气很诚恳，我不是想帮莫修齐解决眼前的困境，我只是想给自己赎罪，是我害得他家破人亡，落魄潦倒，我凭什么摆出施恩者的嘴脸？
莫修齐和莫桑眼里同时一亮，莫修齐站起来，激动地道：“姑娘说的这是什么话，在下谢姑娘一再施以援手，姑娘对我主仆的恩惠，在下没齿难忘……”
“莫公子！”我打断他，勉强地笑道，“不要再说这种话，你主仆二人，如今还住在客栈么？”
“是！”莫修齐脸上微微一红，我沉吟了一下，轻声道，“一直住在客栈也不是办法，你二人回去收拾下东西，搬到我这里来住吧，就当作是绣庄给你们安排的住所。”我晚点再和老福头商量一下，给他二人整理两间厢房出来，替他们付房租，应该是没有什么问题。
莫修齐一脸感激之色，又待说什么，我摆摆手，轻声道：“莫公子，你也别再说什么了，我有些累，你们如果没有意见，就回去收拾东西吧。”
莫修齐站起来，对我躬身行礼道：“大恩不言谢，在下不打扰姑娘休息，先行告辞。”
见他们离开，我久久无法动弹，半晌，才轻声道：“小红，扶我回房，我很累。”
回了房，小红扶我到床上躺下，我虚弱地道：“我想一个人躺一会儿，你先出去吧。”
她“嗯”了一声，轻手轻脚地掩了门出去。我望着天花板发呆，久久，将双手举到眼前，痴痴地笑起来。楚殇，如今我跟你一样不干不净，满手都是血腥，跟你一样心狠手辣、蛇蝎心肠，你满意了吗？你一定在躲在阴曹地府里冷笑吧？你要把我逼死才算数吗？你为何，死了都不肯放过我？
我捂住脸，泪从指缝中滑落出来，浑身发抖。
我在房中呆了一天，午膳和晚膳都没有用，小红担心地进来看了好几次，我闭着眼睛装睡，不想理她。蔚家大哥从铺子里回来，大约是听小红说我一天没吃东西，到我床边唤我，本想一直装睡下去，又怕他在绣庄累了一天又要担心我，无奈地睁开眼睛。他见我“醒”了，坐到床边，温和地笑道：“我听小红说你一天没吃东西，让她煮了点粥给你，吃了再睡，好不好？”
“嗯。”我笑了笑，他扶我坐起来，小红把粥递到我手上，我手一软，差点没拿稳，蔚家大哥赶紧扶住我的手，把碗接过去，“看你，饿得一点儿力都没了，我喂你。”
他不由分说地舀了一勺粥，在嘴边吹了两下，递到我唇边，我含入口中，沉默地咽进肚去，第二勺又来了。我的眼睛莫名其妙地有些酸涩，忍着想流泪的冲动，安静地吃完一碗粥，他把空碗递给小红，想扶我躺下来，我猛地抱住他，眼泪终于忍不住流下来，哽咽道：“大哥，你为什么对我这么好？”
我做了这么多坏事，每件事，都是自私地在为自己着想，即使表面上看去是在帮人，其实帮人的动机，都是因为对自己有利才去做的。我这样自私的人，哪里配有人对我这么好？
蔚家大哥僵硬着身子拍了拍我的背，温和地道：“因为你是叶儿，是我妹子呀。”
我大哭出声，眼泪肆无忌惮地流下来，肆意渲泻心中的委屈。我只是想好好活下去，从来没有更多的要求，亦从来不奢望有人能理解我，为什么我一直想躲避的事会像噩梦一样死死地纠缠我？我不过是想要好好活下去罢了！
——2006、10、18
[记住网址龙腾小说ltxsba.com]
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