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酷姐她不自己招呼买主,却故意到街头那家蛋饼店泡水姑娘,留我这个房东帮她交际应酬,回来后不但不感激我,反而劈头大骂我吴念香这个房东是没头没脑的抹香鲸,骂赵燕丽是骚九孔。

抹香鲸不难为情,因为只要你瞄过我一眼,就知道这词用得不算夸张,却可伤人到极。至于为什么赵燕丽会是九孔呢?这就有一学问典故在后头了。

得从李怀凝跟着那个阿逗仔父亲周游列国的背景说起,因为父亲是驻外大使的关系,李怀凝这个酷女小时候待过意大利。

在意大利,罗马人可以像燧人、有巢氏般蹲在简陋的山洞滚披萨饼皮,或在树上捣橄榄油,但出门就是不能没有“救救阿曼尼”、“我可是马拉(MSXMara),他们对外表、流行与名牌的追求与讲究算是全市运动。

男的罗马人可以丑,可以没有钱,可以跟老母亲挨一个十五坪不到的窝,就是不能穿得太逊,又缺一副雷朋太阳眼镜去泡女友。

女的罗马人呢,哎,抱歉,就没那么幸运了,她可以跟男人享有以上所述的权利,就是不可以有碍市容观瞻、长得胖和丑,如果真是那么不幸的话,除了怪妈将自己生得太“爱国爱乡”以外,攒钱做拉皮、整容、塑身手术是她们生为罗马女人最基本的市民义务,否则就得吞下被人批评为九孔的命运,如果再添上“SUPER”一字变成超级九孔的话,与其含辱偷生,不如一死百了干脆些。

李怀凝那节直来直往的孟宗竹骂我抹香鲸是有凭有据的,骂天生丽质的赵燕丽九孔就有一不伦不类、文不对题的感觉。

咦,别急着跳行换页,我话还没完,李酷小姐当时还不忘补上一个“烂”

字!

损人这玩意狠在哪里,狠在一针见血,一字“喻”褒贬。因为就如“胖”

之于我一般,“拦”是勾搭男人有一套的赵燕丽最忌讳的字眼。

我该同情赵燕丽吗?

照理,李怀凝也惹到我,是该的。

如果姓赵的没打过勾搭我那个五十七岁的富翁爸爸的算盘的话,我会的。

但一想到她从我们国中开过一场母姐会,跟我爸爸照过面后有那种想当我后母的幻想起,我只有一句话送给她,“姓赵的,想当我妈,你下辈子投胎前最好贿赂一下掌管生死簿的官吧!”

所以了,各位看倌已窥出我个性里的矛盾、懦弱与瑕疵。

我的本性的确是善良的,但并不是永远善良到打不还手、骂不还口的地步!我本来是讲理的,但只要惹毛了我,我可以比母老虎还毒,在心里记恨一阵子,然后慢慢理性地自行排毒。

像我这样中了浅毒,又没法将善良贯彻到底的胖怨女,跟两个美若天仙的室友同处一室耗日子,实在也没什么值得一提的。

但人是会作梦的,我唯一的梦是希望至少在我香消玉殒前,不再是个不解人事的处女,没伴我不介意,但就是不要是处女。

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