评《游龙记》
最新网址：m.ltxsdz.com
大汉大吃一惊，掌法陡变，一时犹如行云流水，龙腾蛟潜，力道惊人！他身形翻飞好似天龙般虎虎生威！
陵儿只觉阵阵力道沉猛如斯，双臂隐隐发麻！他强自支撑，双掌连扬，使周身密布沙砾，一时沙飞砾卷，人影朦胧！
前一句里，形容大汉的掌法威力不但不到位，而且重复累赘。『行云流水』『龙腾蛟潜』『他身形翻飞好似天龙般虎虎生威！』从形容的内容上看，都是并列的关系。然则这三个形容不但重复，而且还矛盾，让人无法感受到底哪个是形容的主体。而『力道惊人』用来形容其掌势威力，实在是太过笼统，不能达意。
下面是只变动一两个形容词，在原句基础上删减调整后的例子。
QUOTE:
大汉大吃一惊，身形天龙般翻飞而起，掌影绵密如云，山崩一般直覆而下。
陵儿身形巨震，双臂隐隐发麻，无奈中只得强自支撑。双掌连扬处，沙转砾卷，在身周层层密布，一时间人影朦胧。
结论：
总体的说，这篇故事写的有大家风范。间架结构在前三章就已经显出端倪，进程主线很明朗，情节起伏布置的很好，悬念也敷设的很有技巧，个别人物塑造的还是比较出彩。要注意的就是我上边提出的那些问题，虽然那些问题对故事观赏性的影响比较大，但相较于间架、节奏、悬念来说，总还算是小节，稍加注意就能够补足。
另外在阅读这篇文章的时候，总感觉姗姗的行文方式很有女性的味道，尤其是在西门艳对心上人定义的哪句话中体现的明显。我在描写女性心理时，很难如此细腻的模拟她们的心理，所以在描写笔下女性的时候心理内容往往过于粗糙，想来什么时候要向姗姗讨教一下，揣摩女性心理是否有什么诀窍。
——莽苍万里踏雪行
评《游龙记》
——回首无言
未写先汗老实说我实在挑不出什么毛病又汗才女的文笔自是无法与金庸等大家相比，但放在现在的网络上来说也算一流，BT那个这个大家既然说要鸡蛋里挑骨头，我也只能仔细的挑一挑哈再汗这里找出几处不明白的地方，还望指教啊。
首先，南宫陵失明后的反映好像太平静了，至少我如果失明才不管有没有人都疯喊一便先，而且那个貌似这样更能激起萧儿的母性之光，然后就哈哈，当我没说过啊
主角的魅力真是无限的大呀，不管那个女孩都貌似一见倾心二见以身相许啊，嫉妒鸟
貌似主角和萧儿相处了两个多月，还学了准岳父的压箱绝技，竟然说是在做梦就当自己在做梦，这这不是薄情寡性之极就是白痴之极哈汗死我了
忽见轿后一头黑熊龇牙咧嘴地朝少女走来，边走还边挥舞着巨掌！而少女犹自神思，竟未察觉危险的逼近！作为一个来头不小的迷之女子是不是弱了？连这等警觉都没有，貌似熊出现是动静应该挺大的，一个武林中人神思到这种程度，真不知她是怎么混的没汗了
暂时只看到这里，也就写到这里，如果嫌砸的不够的话我再接着来撒，如果砸疼了哥哥抱抱安慰一下哈
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