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第一章 重生金瓶

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我的天啊,这是哪里呀?我不是在冰天雪地的秦岭山梁上露营吗?我不是幸运地与那个资深女驴友“混帐”吗?似乎那晚和女驴友之间还发生一些事儿?后来好像云收雨散了,后来自己睡得像猪一般死沉,后来……后来的事却是一印象都没有了。呵呵,我还打算回去后写亲身感受发到微博去,弄个“混帐门”什么的,说不准还会一夜红了,毕业后也不愁找不到工作。可如今……淡定,淡定,先弄清楚自己现在什么地方再说。

“咦,我这身子怎么好像缩小些了,像是只有十二、三岁的模样,不会搞错吧,我虽是网络武侠迷,跟别人练过几年拦手拳,可没学过什么缩骨功之类的YY武功呀。”李孝正想挣扎着爬起,却发觉自己的手脚和身子似乎都比原来小了一号,还穿着一身古装,顿感讶异。

“各位大姐,请问这里是什么地方,你们又是谁呀?我的身子为何变小了?”李孝连忙问道。

“孝儿,你没事吧,你不要吓娘亲啊,这里是西门家呀,也是自己家里呀,我是娘亲吴月娘,你父亲是西门庆啊,我儿今年才13岁,过几年自会长成高高大大的好男儿啰。”那个自称是吴月娘的美妇紧搂着李孝,面露忧色地说。

“西门家?我父亲是人见人怕的西门庆?!天啊,我快晕了,开什么玩笑,我家要是有西门家这么富有,我还跑到天津这地方读什么书呀,我巴不得穿越成西门庆,要财有财,要女人有女人呢。哈哈!笑死我了,我父亲还是宋徽宗呢。”李孝觉得可笑荒唐至极,这样低智商的玩笑也有人开,难怪这女子生得如此丰腴,都是波大无脑惹的祸啊。

“嗬嗬……我儿入魔障了,快叫爷来,快找些和尚道士的来!天啊,我吴月娘真是好苦命呀,原盼着有了这儿子下半辈子有个依靠,可这孩子一生下来就痴痴呆呆的,如今更是又傻又疯的了。”吴月娘见到儿子发癫了一般狂笑不止,以为自己的儿子发癫了,想起自己嫁入西门家后,天天求神拜菩萨,好不容易才求得一个孩子,没想到到头来竟是这般光景,心想看来都是老公西门庆做了太多缺德事了,上天要惩罚西门家断子绝孙,不禁悲从心来,搂着儿子豪声恸哭了起来。

“孝哥儿入魔障啦!”一时之间,偌大个西门大官人府里鸡飞狗跳,人心惶惶,自然是有人忧心忡忡,也有人偷笑庆幸。

这时,一位高大俊伟的男子兴冲冲地踏进房里,大声问道:“孝哥儿可是醒了?身子可都全好了?让爷看看!”

“老爷,孝儿……他……坏了……嗬嗬……”吴月娘含悲哽噎道,随后一头扑到西门庆的怀里恸哭。

“坏了?!怎么回事?不是说醒来了吗?”西门庆一把推开怀里的吴月娘,扑近暖榻,但见傻儿子正一边用手指着自己,一边哈哈大笑,笑得眼泪都出来了,神情着实有些痴狂、怪异。莫非还真的有什么鬼上身的事儿,咱西门庆可不信这个邪,更不信什么恶有恶报,可为何这傻儿子又是这般情状呢,西门庆一时感到忿恨、郁闷,朝李孝那脸上猛抽一巴掌。这一把掌可把众人都打傻了,包括他自己、吴月娘、李孝,还有一众小妾、丫鬟,房间一下子静得连根针掉下也闻到声音,吴月娘更是圆张着一张樱桃小嘴,讶异地看着丈夫。

“你打我?你以为你真是我老爸呀,我告诉你,我老爸也不敢打我!丫的,假戏真做呀,明星就能真打群众演员了呀,走,咱们去找导演评评理,得给咱加费用,真打和假打可是不同样的价钱呢。你要是敢赖,咱们可是要在公堂上见分晓。”李孝一把揪住西门庆的衣领,愤愤地道。

“混账!逆子!丫的,你还反了不成!”西门庆见这个傻儿子敢对自己无礼,喝斥道,正想狠狠地再给李孝一个耳光,一旁的吴月娘醒了过来,一把抱住西门庆的臂膀,哀求道:“我的好哥哥,你饶了孝儿吧,他不是脑子坏了吗,你还与他计较啥子哩。”

“呵呵,你们剧组里也搞野外‘混帐’吗?能不能安排我和女演员‘混帐’呀,如果可以就不用加钱了,还有……打耳光这种角色最好是女主角,我挨得的!”李孝笑道。

“哼,不知所谓,不可理喻!玳安,去找个道士给这个混账醒醒脑、驱驱邪,省得他胡言乱语,坏了大爷的心情。”说毕,西门庆甩手而去。

随后,李孝房内又是一阵吱吱喳喳、莺莺燕燕的,一会儿只剩下吴月娘在床边黯然垂泪,一边默默地看着自己这个傻儿子,一边自言自语地呢喃着,看情形那种悲伤的神情并不是演戏,而是发自心底的。

莫非这一切都是真的?难道自己真的穿越到金瓶梅中的大宋时代?……

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